I’m known as a dynamic figure amongst men, often seen climbing mountains and crushing walnuts in my arms. It is not uncommon for me to design life support systems in the morning before sitting down to breakfast. I translate Chinese into Latin for a Tibetan Monastery, write award winning lectures and manage large companies time efficiently. Occasionally I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo the world’s most beautiful women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I cycle up mountains with unflagging speed and cook ten minute rice in five minutes. I am an expert in judo, a veteran in love and an out law in the New Forest.
I single handedly defended Tower bridge from invasion by a tribe from Millwall. I play violin single handedly, was scouted for Manchester united and am subject to thoughtful documentaries. When bored I build electricity generators for the national grid. I can eat fifty eggs.
On Fridays I repair church spires. I am an accomplished artist, a concrete analyst and a chess master. The world’s fiercest critics swoon in my presence. I do not perspire. I have won the national lottery twice and donated the winnings to children’s hospitals. This winter I travelled the globe to solve the ozone problem. I lasted batted to 500 not out.
I am a chemist and cannot be bettered by generic engineering. I am what others want to mimic. Old ladies trust me. I can shoot swallows from the sky and read war and peace whilst collecting a takeaway . I have a sweet scent.
I can lay 100metres of deep drainage in the morning; design hydroelectric dams and collect the rent by lunchtime. My credit is good. I ended the Iranian siege and work covertly for MI6. I sleep on the move, have swum the channel and have brought warring couples together. The laws of gravity do not apply to me. All my debts are paid. I carry loose change and support amnesty International. I am consulted by the love gods and have an emergency number. I breed award winning budgerigars, can bake the perfect loaf, my rice doesn’t stick. I can change a child’s nappy with one hand, can console the inconsolable and repair works of art.
I instruct in self defence, can tie my own shoelaces and am never late. My limbs are ambidextrous. I made Adonis weep. During one evening I talked the birds from the trees, I can live of the land, can dive to great depths unaided and am immune to radiation.
I got married to Lucy in May…